Mick vs. Quick: How the Rolling Stones Rocked the LA Kings Out of Stanley Cup Contention

The scapegoat most blameworthy for the elimination of the LA Kings from the 2013 Stanley Cup Playoffs is perhaps the most unlikely candidate: The Rolling Stones.

The Stones played three sold-out shows in Chicago on 28 and 31 May as well as 3 June. For the LA Kings, the Stones took playing sold-out shows to a new level as they capitalized on Chicago’s playoff fever by revising some of their hit songs into anthems for the Chicago Blackhawks.

Of course, to be fair, Mick Jagger has been a diehard Blackhawks fanatic since they won the Stanley Cup in 1934. That’s almost as long as Vince Vaughn has been a fan.

Here are three examples of songs that the Stones altered to torment the LA Kings and motivate the Blackhawks to oust the 2012 Stanley Cup Champions from playoff contention.

1. (Kings Won’t Get No) Satisfaction

Kings can’t get no satisfaction.
Kings won’t be a repeat faction.
Sure they try, and they try, and they try, and they try.
They won’t get no, They won’t get no

When I’m drivin’ in my car;
With Ray Ferraro on the radio.
He’s tellin’ me more and more
About some useless information
On Quick’s Conn Smythe nomination
Quick won’t get no, oh no, no, no
Hey hey hey, that’s what I say

Quick won’t get no satisfaction.
Kings won’t get no Stanley action.
Sure he’ll try, and he’ll try, and he’ll try and he’ll try
He won’t get no; He won’t get no

When I’m watchin’ my T.V.
Ron MacLean comes on to tell me
How high he rates Doughty
But he can’t be that great ’cause he doesn’t block
As many shots as Duncan Keith.
He won’t get no, oh no, no, no
Hey hey hey, that’s what I say

When I’m ridin’ round the world
And I’m singin’ this and I’m signin’ that
And I’m tryin’ to tell some girl
That she better not come back till later next week
‘Cause the Kings are on a losing streak
They won’t can’t get no, oh no, no, no
Hey hey hey, that’s what I say

Kings won’t get no Stanley action.
They won’t be a repeat faction.

Anze (Based on “Angie”)

Anze, An-ze, when will your playoffs disappear?
Anze, An-ze, Where will your summer go from here?
Well you’re scoring very low, one assist and one lone goal;
You can’t say you’re satisfied.

But Anze, An-ze they can’t say you never tried.
Anze, you’re wonderful, but ain’t it time we said goodbye?

Oh, Anze, don’t you weep, your highlight reel was pretty sweet

Till that luck was struck out of your stride.
But Anze, I won’t call you lazy.
Your compete level won’t receive the blame.
There ain’t a centre who comes close to you
‘Cept for maybe Toews, and Shaw and Kane.
But Anze, An-ze ain’t it good to say goodbye?
Anze, An-ze, they can’t say you never tried.

Goalie’s Little Helper (“Mother’s Little Helper”)

What a drag it is getting owned.

“Things are different today,”
I hear Jonathan Quick say.
Quick needs relief these days to calm him down.
And after speaking broken French,

He forces Bernier from the bench.

Quick goes running for the shelter of his goalie’s little helper.
Bernier helps him look away from a lousy losing game.

“Things are different today,”
I hear ev’ry player say.
Blocking shots for a flailing goalie’s just a drag.
Quick fans on an easy clear, and the Kings’ lead disappears.
Quick goes calling for the shelter of his goalie’s little helper
To relive him in the game, help him share in taking blame.

Sutter, please, relieve the crease.
In game four, Quick allowed three more.
What a drag it is getting owned.

“The Kings just aren’t the same today,”
I hear other players say.
The defence don’t understand that Quick gets tired.
They make so many give aways, and so few that Quick can save.
Then he goes running for the shelter of his goalie’s little helper;
Bernier helps out the Kings’ plight by letting none in on the night.

Sutter, please, defend the crease.
The Kings can’t score four goals or more.
What a drag it is getting owned.

“Hockey’s much too hard today,”
I hear LA’s forwards say.
The pursuit of Stanley Cups just seems a bore.
After stealing one of four, the Kings won’t win games anymore.
No more running for the shelter of their goalie’s little helper
That helped them on their way through their cup run’s dying day.

Post Script

If you enjoyed reading this post, check out my other scapegoat blogs on the Leafs, Rangers, and Sharks.